my unearthing

As I lay in my lola’s garden, the sun flickers through the swaying gingko tree above me…

…and I can still see the wind carrying her love song to all the honey bees, flowers, trees and weeds. And under the suspended moon, I can still hear the melody of Bill Wither’s Lovely Day, as my siblings hit the high notes in karaoke. My uncles gabbing in tagalog as my aunties’ screaming laughter spills into the streets like the mahjong blocks breaking on the kitchen table.

I can still feel the hands of my mama warming the back of my neck as she braids my hair in the car before school and how I would run through the snow like a little warrior to get to those freezing double doors. And I can still remember why I would cherish every summer night with my dad because the taste of sweetness would always linger after the last lick of black cherry chocolate chip ice cream.

This is a love that didn’t need words. The love that shines from within me. One that flickers in my shadows, reminding me of the gift it is to be alive in my body. This is my family’s weavings. A love deeper than the jungle’s dirt and with the force of the whole ocean.

To be held in this love. This is what I offer to my community. We come together to laugh and sing, weep and scream from our bellies. No where to Be but Here and Now, we let the demons take a seat and pour them a cup of tea, all to remember what that love feels like even in the darkest moments. To recognize how it’s embedded into every moment of this precious lifetime. A love born from the stillness. For words itself cannot hold the expansiveness of love like silence can. And nothing can drop me into the heart quite like the sound of my auntie on the piano singing from the living room or the stories I see in my lolo’s eyes as he tosses the day old rice into the pan full of tomatoes and eggs frying in a sea of oil and garlic.

My family’s strength has taught me without words how to soften into the love that already exists within and around me. I know my heart is a bridge for love to exist in this realm, for it allows my vessel to embody and express something so limitlessly beautiful like love. But, when the darkness cycles back and I find myself forgetting this Truth, I return to my roots and can still feel her soft hands squeezing mine. “We thank God for everything. Remember?” she whispers. “Goodnight, my Gracie. I love you, my panga.” as she kisses my head and turns off the lights.

-g 𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊